Forgiveness

Recently recalled back the things that had gone real bad, and even it ruins my future life that I really find it hard to trust anyone and find a true relationship that really can hold on the rest of my life.

Thought back the incident that happened...I would just said, 'how I wish I could turn back time' and choose road B, instead of turning left, I'll choose to turn right...but the reality is that I can't. How I really wished that all of this images and memories inside my mind can be deleted instantly, but it couldn't be deleted just in a glimpse. Even after years...4-5 years, still the memories are just like fresh in the oven. How bad...a new year with recalling this particular BAD memories as a start...

Even though having said sorry to me not only once, but for many many times. And I forgive by saying out, but in my heart, I was wonder, am I really forgiving or just because I said it out, then it's consider forgive. After all these years, I finally found out that I am a person that not really can easily forgive someone as the hurt inside my heart is too deep...and the wound couldn't be easily seen by anyone, not even my parents! and it's still there to be cured, but I have yet to find the right medicine to have it cure, therefore instead of cure, it's getting bad, and no one knows how bad it has gone, I just keep it myself, acting that I am strong enough on the outside, but it really pains in the inside.

Recently, I could get angry easily on things which I shouldn't, but which, I should get angry with this BAD memory that happened...but I really don't know how to react with this! I couldn't get any angry with this, or sort to say, my EQ is actually a zero...by right, I should get really angry and at least pour out all my emotions to this incident...but till now, I couldn't...

......

As a conclusion, I am a person that not easily to forgive and to forget. Whereby this hurt is just deep down six feet under, I am not able to forgive...but I wished one day that I could really forgive this, but for now, I can't as I am not able to...

I still can feel the shame inside...probably that's why I couldn't forgive.

All I could ask for is that, GOD, help me with this, put away my shame and give me strength to forgive...A real forgiveness from the bottom of my heart...and may this be another testimony that shines for You, my Lord.